The Futility Infielder

Jimy Williams, History's Greatest Monster

Boston Red Sox manager Jimy Williams was fired yesterday after shocking evidence of his heinous crimes against the Red Sox was made public. It was Williams, brandishing a sledgehammer, who injured Nomar Garciaparra's wrist so badly that Nomar required surgery and missed four months of the season. It was Williams, with the stealth of a cat burglar, who snuck into Pedro Martinez's hotel room while the World's Greatest Pitcher was asleep and bent Pedro's right arm at such an unnatural angle that he strained the rotator cuff. It was Williams who broke Jason Varitek's elbow when Varitek dove for a pop foul--watch the footage in super-slo-mo and you can see a middle-aged man dart out of the dugout, kick Varitek in the elbow, then make it back to the bench before Varitek starts writhing in agony!

It was Williams who, with malice aforethought, spiked Brian Daubach in the shin and then spilled a petri dish full of bacteria into the wound, causing Daubach to take a 15-day powder with a staph infection. It was Williams who, for no damn good reason at all, tore the callus off of Hipolito Pichardo's thumb. It was Williams who lined Carl Everett's jockstrap with thistles, then left a book in his locker entitled "When Dinosaurs Walked The Earth (Which is Round, by the Way, You Petulant Dumbass Child-Abusing Malingerer)". It was Williams who dragged Shea Hillenbrand's strike-zone judgement out into the middle of the Massachusetts Turnpike, where it was hit by an oncoming car. It was Williams, on the grassy knoll of I-95, who shot Derek Lowe's fastball to death.

It was Williams who, at gunpoint, forced Rolando Arrojo and Brett Saberhagen to alternately dangle each other off of the hotel balcony, straining a couple more of his starters' shoulders. It was Williams who forced Frank Castillo to throw his back out when he made Castillo carry Jimy's own player piano up seven flights of stairs. John Valentin's plantar fasciitis? That was Jimy's doing as well--yesterday it was revealed that kept a Black and Decker vise in the manager's office, where he often broke bones and pried muscles, ligaments, and tendons apart using only the crudest of instruments--fungo bats, scorer's pencils, whatever he could get his hands on. Blood everywhere! MEAT FALLING OFF THE BONE!

Digging even deeper into the past, it was Williams who committed a series of murders of single women in Boston in the early sixties, thus earning the moniker "The Boston Strangler." It was Williams who sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees in 1920 to finance a Broadway musical, thus triggering the Curse of the Bambino.

And then, to cover it all up, that madman Jimy Williams kept a team populated with the likes of Mike Lansing, Darren Lewis, Lou Merloni, Craig Grebek, Jose Offerman, and Rod Beck on the fringes of a pennant race, at times even leading the American League East Division with that motley assortment. My God--the evil lurking in the heart of this psychopath would make a Third World dictator blush.

But the Red Sox and their fans can now relax and rejoice. Jimy Williams has been fired for his terrible crimes, and the Red Sox are free from the evil clutches of history's greatest monster.