The Futility Infielder

In what will surely make him the butt of jokes for the next, oh, 15 years, former major league pain in the ass Jose Canseco was arrested at home on Friday for testing positive for steroids, a violation of his parole.

For those of you needing a refresher course Jose's recent rap sheet, Canseco and his twin brother Ozzie were arrested on aggravated battery charges stemming from a Halloween 2001 nightclub brawl. He plead guilty and was sentenced to three years probation, plus some community service and anger management classes. He then violated that probation by failing to begin his community service. For that, he received a month in jail and two years of house arrest, plus the threat of a 15-year sentence for any further violation from Judge Leonard Glick.

Not only did the house arrest effectively end his major-league career, it sent Jose even further over the edge. He turned himself into a pariah by alleging that 85 percent of major leaguers used steroids, and worse, threatened to publish a book "naming names."

Confined to his house, the human trainwreck kept making waves. In one of the more bizarre news items of the year, Canseco offered himself up for auction -- a day of with the slugger at his home. Somebody apparently paid for the privelege, but the public was mercifully spared the follow-up story. Hey, we've got American Idol contestants to ridicule.

But now, Jose has delivered what may be the coup de grâce. With no earthly reason to use performance-enhancing drugs, he nonetheless got caught doing just that. Who was he trying to impress, the Broward County Department of Sanitation workers who haul his trash away?

Trashman Number One: "Wow, that Canseco's really ripped."

Trashman Number Two (yawns, checking watch): "I got the other can, but you're pickin' up those goddamn apple cores. My back hurts."

Or maybe it's the future Hall of Fame voters Jose was hoping to woo:

Voter Number One: "462 home runs, 1986 Rookie of the Year, 1988 MVP award, six All-Star appearances, two World Series rings.... it's tough not to vote for this guy."

Voter Number Two: "Plus, he's still really ripped. I'm sold."

Of course, stupidity just runs in the Canseco family. Ozzie already beat Jose to the steroids-as-parole-violation bit, but Ozzie's not looking at a hard 15 in the big house yet. But Jose is, and when he gets sentenced, we can all finally chuckle, smug in the satisfaction of that we have found the Dumbest Man in America. And those ripped pecs will be the envy of Cellblock D.