The Futility Infielder

Recently a friend and I were wondering aloud as to the whereabouts of Adrian "El Duquecito" Hernandez, a Cuban defector who spent the last four seasons collecting a cool million per year while pitching his way to a thorough tour of the Yankees' minor-league outposts. Despite his major-league contract, Hernandez had bungled what slim chances he had with the parent club, notably begging out of a 2001 start with a fever, prompting Roger Clemens to pitch on short rest against the Tigers (he beat them). From there Hernandez was ticketed to oblivion, rarely even drawing a mention as potential bullpen fodder or trade bait, let alone a fifth starter role. His brief major league line with the yanks was an 0-4 record in 28 innings of 5.46 ERA ball, which comes out to a million dollars per major league loss. George Steinbrenner has spent better money.

The 29-year-old Hernandez didn't pitch horribly in a swingman role last year at AAA Columbus, going 8-5 with a 3.21 ERA and 103 Ks in 101.2 innings. Not seeing him in camp this year with the Yanks, I thought the worst -- Luca Brazi, Jimmy Hoffa, Jeff Cirillo (you say he's not dead? With that .205/.284/.271 I beg to differ). But it turns out Duquecito's alive and... if not well, at least drawing a major-league paycheck. In a move so minor that it probably escaped Brian Cashman's notice, Hernandez signed a minor-league contract with the Milwaukee Brewers last December, and made the team out of spring training.

He may not stick around for very long, however; he's been lit both times he's pitched, allowing two runs in two innings against the Astros and five runs in one inning against the Cardinals, including a 3-run homer to Scott Rolen and a big L next to his name. That's a 21.00 ERA, about four times worse than Brooks Kieschnick (5.40), and even worse than another former blink-and-you-missed-it Yankee in the Brewer pen, Ben Ford (17.18). Then again, on a team with a 6.17 ERA a week into the season, nobody should be pointing any fingers at these guys. Just tell them to rent, not buy.

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I just got through singing the praises of Steven Goldman, but he's been slaying me lately with his newest BP column. In "Teams: A Critical Guide," the bearded one periodically assigns letter grades and hilarious, pithy comments to each franchise in a style that recalls Village Voice rock critic Robert Christgau. As somebody who can take half an hour to get through one of Chris Kahrl's Transaction Analyses because I'm so busy emailing the best lines to my friends, I'm in hog heaven with Goldman's stuff. Just a few samples:

ANAHEIM ANGELS: Darin Erstad OPS Watch: .433 at this writing. Acknowledging that Adam Kennedy is no Ryne Sandberg, and maybe no Tony Cuccinello, there is no reason he has to be hidden at the bottom of the batting order like the product of some illicit affair between second cousins while Erstad is allowed to waive proudly in the breeze like a nudist hogtied to the yardarm of the HMS Victory...

FLORIDA MARLINS: ...The bench is another matter, with Lenny Harris, Mike Mordecai, Damion Easley, and Abraham Nunez. "This is one of the strongest benches they have ever had," said Harris. Lenny was referring to the literal plank of wood on which he and his comrades sit, because it takes a mighty strong piece of wood to support that much dead weight...

NEW YORK METS: A visit to Kabala Koala, the Mystical Jewish Marsupial, reveals that Tom Glavine will have difficulty sustaining a low ERA on two strikeouts per nine innings, Cliff Floyd will continue to get hurt as often as the sun rises, and Shea Stadium will continue to be the ugliest ballpark in the majors long after the Jets' West Side stadium plan has died an ignominious death. KK also predicts six more weeks of winter. We're still working some bugs out of the program...

There's an even better one about the Orioles and David Segui which is too long to rerun here. Alas, it's a premium piece, which means that like my good friend Mr. T, I pity the fool that doesn't subscribe.