The Futility Infielder

If you're in the demographic that has more than a passing familiarity with this site and its proprietor's damaged sense of humor and jaundiced view of the world, then you're no doubt familiar with The Simpsons, hands down the greatest TV show in the history of, well, history (hey, that's a perfectly cromulant claim!). For the past 16 years, the show has proven to be a lingua franca for any clique worth being a part of among people our age (broadly defined as between 20 and 40 currently, though take no offense if you're hip to it beyond those age groups). In the days before TiVo and our domestic pairings-off, we came together every week, dashing madly into the TV room in time for the show just as the characters do in the title sequence. We've seen every episode enough times to remember all of the good lines and know that like the Bible, there's an applicable Simpsons reference for every occasion.

That goes for baseball as well. I don't know how many Simpsons references I've made on this site or over at BP, but scarcely a week goes by without me combing the pages of The Simpsons Archive or elsewhere for just the right touch, the perfect link. To wit:

• Meaningless pregame ceremony? Must be a presentation of the Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.

• 2002 All Star Game? "And ties? You bet!"

• The Pittsburgh Pirates? "Arrrrrrrgh." I've lost count of how many Prospectus Hit List comments make that joke.

• Kirk Rueter's got gout? Cue Troy McClure's acting credits, my all-time favorite Simpsons-related link.

• Long story from crotchety oldtimer? "We wore an onion on our belt, which was the style at the time."

• Fidgety micromanager? "Sound's you're working for your car. Simplify, man!"

• The fickle fate of the average ballplayer? One day you're on top of the world, the next day "you're thawing hot dogs in a gas station sink."

And so on. To say nothing of great baseball-themed episodes of the show -- the classic softball episode, the Whitey Ford pretzel-pelting incident, the Mark McGwire cameo... somewhere I just read that Randy Johnson will be making a guest appearance this coming season. Even a minor league franchise got in on the joke, when the PCL's Calgary Cannons moved to Albuquerque (where the venerable Dukes had left town a few years ago), the team was renamed the Isotopes based on an episode where Springfield's ballclub nearly moved there, only to have the plot foiled by Homer.

Which brings me to The Definitive MLB - Simpson's Analogy List, in which Dan McCarthy of Barstool Sports, a Boston newspaper, compares each major-league team to a Simpsons character, from the famous family to the town's recurring characters. I'll limit myself to a small selection of favorites here:

New York Yankees - C. Montgomery Burns - Driven to success by an almost unimaginable wealth of resources, which they use to ruthlessly crush their enemies, although typically not by the most efficient means possible (blocking out the sun, Bernie Williams). Seemingly unaware of the (obvious) reasons why they are hated. They seem to have been a key actor in pretty much everything important that happened before 1970.

Oakland A's - Bart Simpson - Reliable bad-boy winners who march to the beat of their own drum. Locked in a constant struggle against the overbearing establishment. Every time you think they're going to get what's coming to them, they weasel out of it and surprise you again.

Cincinnati Reds - Principal Seymour Skinner - Spent much of their existence under the hand of a domineering, insane woman who was impossible to please (Agnes Skinner, Marge Schott). Possessors of a dirty little secret that they would rather sweep under the rug (Skinner's true identity of Armand Tamzarian, Pete Rose). Their lives were given meaning in the '70s (Vietnam, the Big Red Machine) but now all they have to escape the monotony of their everyday existence is the flashbacks.

Los Angeles Dodgers - Disco Stu - Overconfident and forever predicting the return of their glory days. Brought up by devoted fans more often than is probably reasonable, considering their sporadic appearances. Haven't been relevant since the '80s.

Atlanta Braves - Ned Flanders - The very definition of "traditional," "white-bread," and "boring." Quietly keeping their affairs in perfect order, but they always end up as the butt of the joke. Spurred to success by a horde of Bible-thumpers. Made a living out of left-handedness in the '90s.

That still leaves you 25 to discover yourself. In the words of C. Montgomery Burns, "Exxxxcellent."